lunedì 25 febbraio 2013

A BAND OF ORCS (english version)

Author: Bosj

Line Up
Oog Skullbasher - Drums
Hulg ElfR.I.P.per - Guitar
Gogog Bloodthroat - Voice
Cretos Filthgrinder - Guitar

Good afternoon Master Orc, my first question is: who the hell had the idea of setting up a Band Of Orcs?

Gronk!: Mother Chaos? Gruesom Grimp? Gzoroth? Usses always been war band in Hirntodia... Gore-stained Axe Tribe. Us just finish adding buncha heads to pile, king included, when bright-blinding blue light suck us into Vortex, spit us out in living room of some humies play Dungeos & Dragons. Usses slaughter them. Then usses hear haunting sound of soul-melting beauty from chamber upstairs. Slayer! Usses run upstair and find Jed listening to Raining Blood. Usses him told him spared if him show us how do that. Then Usses become bards of Gzoroth. Take up guitar axe as well as battle axe. So, it happen, like this we find out: Gruesom Grimp, him gremlin/imp travel dimensions make practical joke. Him come upon childrens play Dungeons & Dragons. Them have thing called "Random Encounter Table". Gruesom Grimp think funny to summon next monster DM roll on Random Encounter Table. Next monster was A Band of Orcs. Him cast interdimensional spell to summon A Band of Orcs for joke. Him get usses! Him also saw potential when usses offer to spare Jed to learn this magic you call metal. Gruesom Grimp become interim band manager, summon earth elemental to build Orc Tower in Vortex of Santa Cruz Mountains and us lock away to learn heavy metal with Jed. So, me thinks Gruesom Grimp idea, but acting out chaos-will of Gzoroth/Mother Chaos...

I'll now put my life at risk bugging a monster, but... Couldn't people find it a bit trendy to have another masked band around? (Even though you do not play nu metal as those guys from Iowa nor hard rock like the others from Finland. And you have lore.)

And humies not find wear spiky black arm band, black t-shirt with brutal design, and long or bald hair trendy? Like some humie uniform? You humies lack self-reflection and call usses monsters huh? That why you Dominated by TVs and authorities. You more zombie than Hulg. Besides, what maskses? You try say usses ugly? It’s true! Usses ugly and every humie female knows "Ugly is Sexy"!

You are very active on the promotional side: gadgets, internet profiles, digital releases and so on... That's not very "orc-ish", is it? Why did you decide to keep such a high profile? Does this have anything to do with your plans of dominating the human world?

Oh, yeah, true not orcish. That why we have slaves do that Type very difficult with monster fingers. Usses have duties to Gore-Stained Axe Tribe in Hirntodia, so us spend much many time in homeland seeing to destruction of elves and giants and appeasement of great dragon-god Gzoroth. Leave humie slaves and minions handle magic-called internet here. Usses begin invasion with the mind and sustain it till such time as Gzoroth call us forth to Domination. All invasions begin with mind.

You finally released your first full lenght: after a few months, how do you feel about that? Are you satisfied? Any regrets? How many people died in the works?

Usses like us tale of presenting us daring-do, yes, very pleased! Us very happy to work with Audio-Sorcerer Juan Urteaga. Him work on Machine Head "Unto The Locust" and Testament "Dark Roots Of Earth". Pretty good for orcses that not even play instruments 7 years ago. Except Cretos, him like emo orc never happy with anything since Hulg try to kill him and electrocute himself. But that long ago. Not sure how many humies die, but probably most die in factories make plastic and paper for CD, or in war for earth blood, to run factories. But usses not good at math, usses not know...

Why self-production? Was that a choice or a forced solution? Maybe nobody wanted to have anything to do with you guys because of the well-known orc stench?

Yes! You hit elf on head. Most humie labels afraid us make stenches on records not want anything to do with usses. Itchy Music distribute usses music tales once usses done with them. Orc do what orc do. Humies do what humies do. Us spare some when Domination comes, us spear others. How 'bout you, humie, you be speared or spared, hmmm?

In my review I talked about S.C.U.M. Fest, and I'm always curious about the underground scene: is there any metalhead out there? Usually Monterey Bay is not very famous for its extreme music. Maybe you Orcs prefer to surf the waves of the Pacific instead of thrashing arounds with your fellas from the bay area?

Humie be surprised! Not big metalhead tribe, but strong metalhead tribe nonetheless. S.C.U.M.Fest rule. Even humie polices like enough... come out 3 times, but not shut down. Us not understand why humies work for fake paper instead of real gold. Usses mercenary orcs from Hirntodia, only accept gold if usses must travel. Bay Area promoters, and especially LA promoters, try to pay in paper or not at all. What?!?! Only slave work for nothing at all. Usses want gold! Why you humans accept paper nothings? And you think usses stupid. You fall prey for oldest illusion trick in realm that devious humie knights start long ago. Battle wagon not roll for free. Battle wagon need earth blood and that cost gold. Or, maybe usses just too busy surfing Gzoroth’s will, ahahahhahhahahahhahah!!!!

Let's make some phylosophy here: what's your idea of the music market these days, during these harsh times? Digital deliveries, people not buying albums any more, youngsters listening to shitcore and so on. Whose heads would you add to the pile? And, most of all, do Orcs experience a financial crisis?

Ahahahahh, yes, usses crisis is we not understand why humies not demand gold or silver or chicken or cow or slave for service and goods like said before. In Hirntodia, you try pay warrior for service with fake paper him add your head to the pile for sure. Paper not even burn long enough for good bonfire to roast elf. Worthless. As for music tales... us like hold record or CD in claws, but usses not so dumb as not realize that humies like nothingness like digital file. So, us do those nothingness as well. Us think crowd-sourcing like Indiegogo and Kickstarter good, cuz it force humies to pay for music instead of take without paying gold. Record labels have no choice but give humie bands fucked deal cuz humies just steal music tales anyway, but Audio-Sorcerers, must needs be paid, and labels wants theirs gold back, so what do you do? Music tales doesn’t make itself. Music tales require hands and ears and eyes to shape. Owners of hand and ears and eyes needs eats to stay alive, but no humies know how hunt anymore, so need gold or fake paper money to buy shit to eat. And usses mean shit. You humies eat shit, you know that? Not strong natural food, but shit. Magical, conjured shit. Anyways, also nother way to think about it. Free stolen tales spread word of Orcs' coming. Maybe humies not hear orc metal if not steal it? Well, if not buy music then humies buy shirts, go to concert raids, buy stickers, patches and other stuffs. That stuffs not so easy to take as nothingness digital file. Usses gonaa do what we do regardless of what stupid humies do. If humies buy, good. If humies not buy, good. If usses find good label allie good, if not, good. Usses care not. Usses fine have Itchy Music distribute us digital nothingness to humies ears. Your choice be spared or speared when Domination comes. Us still do what orcses do. As to what young humies listen to…usses not care, as long as young humies listen to us, hahahahahahahha!!! Why usses care what trash humies stuff in ears? Stuff away! Hail Gzoroth!!!!

Any plans about coming to Italy? If you want to conquer the world, you should come to Europe sooner or later... I could give you a list of people to get rid of to start with.

Ha! Good submit list at heavy metal lair ( and usses consider adding them heads to pile when us get to Europe. Usses know that not all humies afraid of orc and sooner or later some humie want to help bring orc on world tour. Hail Gzoroth! But usses can't say when at this time. Usses gladly conquer your miserable human realm when Gzoroth call us forth.

Do you have any side projects or are you full-time monsters?

Actually, us full time WarChiefs of the Gore-Stained Axe Tribe in Hirntodia. Us take care of giant problems and make "Adding Heads To The Pile" concept album about it, plus take care of moon-to-moon affairs in homeland. Usses have to manage tribal stuffs full time—Gore-Stained Axe Tribe biggest Orc Tribe in Hirntodia now--but usses ready to invade this earth realm when Gzoroth say go! Hail Gzoroth!

A bunch of bands whose heads you would spare? (That is, what do you listen to usually and you couldn't live without?)

Collectively Usses like spare much many bands: Slayer, Sabbath, Maiden, Priest, Satyricon, Suffocation, Opeth, Meshuggah, Testament, Behemoth, Graveyard, Amon Amarth, Dimmu Borgir, Machine Head, Cannibal Corpse, Goatwhore, ArnoCorps, Exmortus, Sothis, Wolves in the Throne Room, Oak Pantheon, Fiends at Feast, Dethklok, Gojira, Deeds of Flesh, Neurosis, on and on and on and on, usses even spare Slipknot, much to you chagrin, ahhahahahaha! Spare much many punk rocks too.

The world is yours. Humans are now crying in their splattered flesh, and you're sitting on the throne of the Earth. What then? The first thing you would do?

Find nother realm to conquer, ahhaahah! After usses have party on skulls of conquered humies.

Ok, I think I've bothered enough, you can go back to what-filthy-ever you were doing. Just, be polite and say one last thing to those condemned human beings who made it through the whole interview and are still reading us.
Hail Gzoroth!

Think on this…will you be spared or will you be speared when Domination comes? Hail Gzoroth!

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